So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
