My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
We had sex on a dog bed..
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
