Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
