wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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