I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
