Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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