That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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