dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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