This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
