its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize