Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
