I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
