I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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