Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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