I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
