I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Randomize
