Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
