I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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