apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize