Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My nipple is on Facebook.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
