how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
