did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
