My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
