I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
