Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
I looked at my own cervix.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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