I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I need to calm my uterus...
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
