I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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