speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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