She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
