just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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