Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize