You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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