party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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