Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize