I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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