worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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