im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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