I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
