Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Alive.
So much puke
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
