She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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