woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
