gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
