My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
