good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
