if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
