someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You're like the curious george of whores
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
