I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
