Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
