You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
