Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
