omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
