woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
