so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
