"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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