I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
