I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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