that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Randomize
