This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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