***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
