It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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