I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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