hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
